Here's to the Future
by qpunktjoe
Summary: Five years after the war, galactic society is about to reach a turning point and the time has come to look both back and forward. mShepard/Kaidan
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 – Shepard**

_"Wake up."_

Present day.

There was a jolt and he was awake. It had been _that_ voice again. The Catalyst's voice. The mysterious AI inside the Citadel who had nearly made him give up on his fight. He was no more, Shepard had seen to that, and nothing but bad dreams had remained of him.

As Shepard sat up and looked out of the window, he seemed to relive this bizarre climax of the battle. He remembered the Catalyst's explanations word for word, yet he also remembered how little sense they had made back then – even today, for that matter.

It was just a nightmare, he whispered to himself, but he knew he would not be able to sleep for one more minute. A quick glance at his alarm clock, it was five, and he was relieved; he could have woken up much earlier.

Eventually, the catalyst had proposed three possibilities. Shepard had never regretted his decision to destroy the Reapers, although it had come at a cost. It had by no means been an easy decision to make, but after having emptied nearly one whole thermal clip worth of ammo into the catalyst's body, he had done it.

The little boy had, of course, been nothing but a projection, but it had been worth it – Shepard's heart still raced with fury whenever he thought back.

Whatever had happened after he had activated the Crucible, Shepard's memory failed him except for the explosion that would ultimately destroy the Citadel. But he had heard the stories, seen the videos, read the reports – a red light had spread all over the galaxy, vaporised Reapers and disintegrated the Mass Relays.

Shepard sighed as he went up to the window and drew the curtains. He found it easier to fall asleep when he could see the stars, but he still liked his privacy. It was one of the things that were hard to come by nowadays. Most people lived in standard colonisation buildings stacked on top of each other… At least, they were somewhat comfortable.

Rebuilding people's homes – or cleaning up the remains of ruined cities – was not a priority for Earth's Council, and a lot of people were increasingly frustrated because of that.

There were, of course, more important problems that needed solving. The loss of the Mass Relays had set back galactic travelling by centuries or millennia depending on the race you belonged to, and worse even, had cut people off from their homes and colonies.

It was lucky Shepard had rallied so many scientists to build the Crucible. In the end, all of them had been near Earth when the battle was won. The smartest heads and the most talented hands of the galaxy had figured out how to rebuild the Mass Relays, but the task took a lot more time than they had anticipated.

By now, most pieces of the puzzle were in their proper place. In two months a probe would be sent to Taetrus where the Turian had been the first to finish building their anchor. Of course, the Asari and the Krogan had protested – they wanted their own homeworlds connected to the Sol system first, however, the Turian (and the Quarian alongside them) had a point when they said: "The liveships keep us alive, but we are still starving."

It would be centuries before things would be normal again. But there was hope.

Hope. The word made Shepard smile. Yes, hope had been the one thing keeping him sane and enabling him to overcome the Catalyst. Here's to hoping for a better future! The present was bleak at best, but future generations had the chance to blossom anew in the galaxy.

Shepard checked his private terminal during breakfast, he tried to do so twice a day. Samantha Trayner had better things to do these days, after all. There were actually more than a few messages worth responding to, which did not happen all that often. But as the tests for the new Pluto Relay were approaching, a new kind of excitement had taken hold of the planet.

Liara had invited him over for lunch today. Tali and Garrus were looking forward to travelling to Palaven and Dr Chakwas had sent him a picture of a Serrice Ice Brandy bottle she had acquired the other day.

_Don't forget, it's that time of the year soon. Looking forward to seeing you again.  
><em>_Sincerely, Chakwas_

She was working in a hospital in Italy and took care of soldiers still suffering from the war. Not every injury could be cured within weeks, and Chakwas was a dedicated woman. James Vega had been in that hospital for three years and she had fixed him.

He was glad his old crew had not fallen apart after the war. They were in separate places, sure, but they made it a point to keep close and met at least once a year. But then, how could you not if you had gone through all their adventures?

When he finished typing his last reply and had made sure that no message would be sent before 8 o'clock, he started to get dressed. His friends did not need to know about his nightmares. In fact, there was only one person in the galaxy with whom he shared them.

But Kaidan was not here. The Council had demanded his presence in London. A political thing, really, boring Spectre business, but Kaidan's word carried tremendous weight these days: He had become a respected authority when it came to human Biotics, he was the Commanding Officer of the Normandy and he had served under Commander Shepard. _The_ Shepard. The Hero who had saved the galaxy.

He did not like the title very much, he did not feel like a hero, and no hero would do what he had done to the Batarian and the Geth. Hell, a hero would have walked to the conduit, he would not have shot Anderson and he would have brought the Illusive Man to justice instead of letting him shoot himself… sure, he had got the job done eventually, but he did not feel like a hero because of it. The galaxy begged to differ, of course.

"People don't care about the truth because they don't really need it. They need triumph, they need victory, now more than ever. You gave them these things. The details, well, they're for reports. But they don't make you any less of a hero. You are. You always have been to me."

Dammit, Kaidan, he always knew how to phrase things right.

Every morning, Shepard took a walk through the camp. It had changed a lot since they had started dropping the buildings around the Normandy's wreck years ago. The ship had been the centre of the community for nearly three years. The camp was crowded now.

Shepard had been almost at the conduit when Harbinger's beam had hit him. It had not been a direct hit, but it had been bad enough to knock him out for a few moments. In that time Joker had not only saved James's and Liara's lives with a breakneck manoeuver, but also about half a dozen other half-dead soldiers from the battlefield. Harbinger had attacked again… but the Normandy's armor and shield upgrades had saved them all. All Harbinger had achieved was catapulting the ship to the South American Jungle.

After the fog of war had cleared the Normandy had been transported back to London. She had become a symbol and the Council liked to keep it close. And because she had been Shepard's home for such a long time, he had moved in again and shared quarters with Kaidan. The damage to the ship had not been too bad, although she could not fly any longer.

As funds had become available the ship had been moved to Vancouver for repairing. He would get her back soon, there was no doubt that she was _his_ ship. Well, technically, she was not anymore, but Kaidan would never throw him out.

A lot of people were already on their feet in the camp, waving and doing their jobs. This camp housed nearly four hundred, most of them human, and even though he had tried, Shepard did not know all of their names yet. He had categorised them into families, which made it easier to remember their backgrounds. How had they experienced the war? What kinds of lives did they have?

It did not matter very much now, but he still cared.

The remainder of the morning was spent calling military executives and politicians and giving an interview to the press. The longer these things took, the more Shepard longed for interstellar travel and for adventures in unknown worlds – not necessarily saving the world _again_, but still _some_ kind of adventure.

Construction of the new Pluto Relay went smoothly, but the schedule for Operation Open Skies (clearing the atmosphere of the rubble from the battle) had to be corrected. Yet again. Regarding the Normandy Shepard would always call Joker, who was with her in Vancouver – she was as much his ship as Shepard's.

"As good as new", he said. "We're going to come home as soon as they've changed the light bulbs."

These were good news. The Council gave him ships whenever he had appointments, but none of them were his. She meant freedom to him and he sorely missed it.

When Shepard entered Liara's house a little while later he could already smell her cooking. He was really impressed considering the few amount of ingredients available. It was also always a treat to get away from the pastes that kept them well nourished for something real and less artificial. Sirta Foundations, of course, would always tell you they were producing three distinct flavours, but they all tasted the same regardless.

"John", Liara said as she carried the empty plates into the kitchen. "I have some news. I found my father."

„I'm glad, Liara", Shepard replied. In the years after the battle a lot of people had resurfaced one by one. A lot more than he ever would have imagined had survived. Sure, too many had died, but every single survivor filled him with pride. Each ond was a new triumph. "Where is she?

"On Thessia. She managed to escape from the Citadel before the Reapers attacked. She took about a dozen others with her. And she wasn't the only one. I'm going to find out their names and inform their families."

"You will make a lot of people happy."

"The power of knowledge lies in sharing it, John. And I want to share my relief."

"So, how is the Matriarch doing?"

„Very well. I think she enjoys being listened to as an authority, for once. They're rebuilding Thessia… It looks much better than Earth. Most of the debris has already been cleaned away and new homes are being built."

"You did show me the pictures." She was giving him updates on planets and colonies that still had means of communication. Her position as the Shadow Broker had always been useful, but now she was nothing short of an exclamation mark in Kaidan's crew.

"I wouldn't have believed it myself, either. It's amazing."

"Looking forward to return?"

"Of course. But, John, my place is with you. I will return to Thessia immediately once a connection has been established so I can see it with my own eyes, but I'm part of your team. And your work is far from done."

"Sometimes I think it is", Shepard admitted and looked away. "I'm not doing much these days."

He enjoyed the occasional day off as any other person would, but there was so little to do for him ever since he had been discharged from the Alliance.

"For the time being, yes, you're confined to Earth, but you belong in space. As soon as you're able you'll travel again. You're still a Spectre and an amazing one. You have proven yourself both as a soldier and as a diplomat."

"So you keep on saying."

"Kaidan agrees with me. And look at what you've done. You ended wars that had lasted centuries. No one else could have done that."

"I wasn't alone in all this. I've had a good crew."

"You still do. That's what I'm trying to tell you. We're going to make sure that everything you have achieved is going to last. And of course, there's still the occasional idiot that needs your boot up his ass."

Shepard grinned. Yes, the war was over and there would be no more serious fighting, but he might not be able to resist a crime syndicate every once in a while.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: You may have noticed English is not my first language. So I'm always open to corrections :-)<em>


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – Kaidan**

_"Are we gonna make it, Kaidan?"_

Five years ago.

The world was coming to an end. All hope was lost.

Harbinger had hit the Normandy just as she had been about to pick up speed – as a result the ship was catapulted from the battlefield, flipped over several times, crashed. Metallic screeches drowned people's screams as they were violently thrown across the room.

The lights went out soon after the crash and Kaidan realised they would die now. It was over.

Except that it was not. The emergency lights flared up, he heard Vega's moans and Liara's confused muttering. For a short moment, Kaidan wanted to lie down, pass out and wake up in a comfortable hospital bed, but hell, he had just _left_ the hospital. No, now was not the time. He knew what needed to be done and he better start at once.

He spat onto the ground and saw one of his teeth down there. Considering the taste in his mouth this did not really surprise him. He activated his Omni-tool. "Dr Michel, are you hurt?"

"No, Major."

"Good. Get down to the shuttle bay. We need you here _immediately_."

"I'm on my way."

"EDI, status report." Hopefully, the ship's AI was still functional.

"Rebooting systems, Major. The drive core is damaged, but we seem to have landed on a soft surface."

It had definitely not felt soft. "How many casualties?" The hardness in his voice surprised even him and made Tali look up, but there would be time for mourning later. Now was not the time.

"Two light casualties on the bridge. But no deaths."

What a relief! Kaidan paused for a second, took a deep breath and assessed his own injuries. In addition to his tooth his nose had been broken and he had a nasty gash on his forehead that was bleeding like mad. His right arm refused to move at all, damn, it was horribly broken. The sight nearly made him sick.

"Trayner, get communications back online and find out where we are", he ordered. He had to keep going before the pain kicked in…

"Of course, Major."

"Adams, what's the situation?"

"We're alright. Allers got hit in the head and Donnelly's passed out, but we're alright."

"Good to hear."

The crew deck was empty except for Dr Michel, the pets in the captain's cabin were probably dead and the shuttle bay – was a horrible mess. At the same time, however, it was a miracle, as well: He had expected to be blown to bits by Harbinger's attack.

No, of course not, it was not a miracle, this was Shepard's doing. He had upgraded his ship, he had taken precautions no one else would have.

Shepard. He felt sick for a moment, but he drove the man out of his mind. Later. Now is not the time, he mumbled to himself, he had to be functional for the sake of the others. It was what Shepard would have done.

He saw Liara crawl to Vega and try to apply some Medigel to his legs – it was no use, his wounds were too extensive and she was shaking from shock. She had been running around the bay for minutes before Harbinger had hit them. Kaidan used his biotics to force her onto the ground so she would not pass out.

Dr Michel entered the shuttle bay, Kaidan pointed at Vega and she ran to the wounded soldier. He had lost too much blood already, hell, half the blood in the bay seemed to be his – there was a dark red trail running across two walls and the ceiling that ended almost exactly above his current position. He would die.

No, don't think that!

Vega was still alive, he was even conscious. He had lost his legs when Harbinger's beam had hit him after pushing Liara out of its way.

With his next breath, Kaidan noticed the stench of blood and burnt flesh. It was hard to stomach.

Pull yourself together, man.

There were five other soldiers they had collected from the battlefield, possibly the only survivors from the final push to the conduit. They had still been alive when they had dragged them into the Normandy…

But the first one Kaidan checked was dead now. The second one was barely breathing, the third – dead. The fourth had lost an arm, but he would live. The last one had a few burns and a lot of scratches; he, too, would survive. Kaidan took care of them as best as he could before he moved on to Tali and Garrus.

She was sitting on the floor, breathing hard. Her suit was torn open and Garrus was desperately looking for things to patch it up. His panic and fear for her life seemed to have driven his own broken leg out of his mind. Kaidan used to his biotics to seal the hole, it would last as long as he was conscious, but he would have to focus. You did not learn these tricks at brain camp. Garrus seemed impressed, but Tali shook her head.

"The infection will still kill me", she said.

"No, it won't. You survived the battle, you'll survive a cold", Kaidan replied harshly and ignored the reprimanding look the Turian gave him. There was nothing more he could do, he realised, and he sank to the ground next to her.

"Give me some of your Medigel." Garrus took whatever Kaidan had left to smear it onto the biotic's forehead without waiting for an answer.

Kaidan thanked him, hesitated and looked down on his right arm. Then he took the handle of his pistol into his mouth, bit down on it and positioned his left hand above his right arm – he had one shot at this. Tali gasped when she realised what he was about to do.

_Bang_!

The shock of it was too much. His vision blurred, he threw up violently on the floor, accidentally leaned on his broken arm and nearly fainted from a new attack of pain. He was shaking uncontrollably and tears were streaming down his face. But the bones on his arm were back to their proper position.

"You're much tougher than I thought", Garrus said matter-of-factly. Kaidan nodded and wiped the tears of his face.

"Major Alenko, I've got reports from London." Trayner sounded excited, a tone he considered tasteless.

"What happened?" He did not dare say more – he was afraid of being sick.

"The Crucible has fired. The Reapers are gone."

The room went silent at once. No one seemed to have taken in a word she had said until, finally, Vega broke the silence with a groan. They had _won_. It was all Kaidan needed to hear to regain his strength.

"Patch me through, Trayner. I wanna talk with whoever's in charge."

"Alright. And Major? I'm fairly positive we're still on Earth."

"Thank you."

More good news. This meant help could come within hours instead of days. Vega had a few hours left tops and Tali would not make it past a week.

"Major Alenko. Glad you're alive." It was Admiral Hackett's voice, but it sounded strange – it trembled with excitement. He had never heard the Admiral like this.

"So am I. Tell me what happened. We've been shot down, we didn't see anything."

"Anderson and Shepard made it to the Citadel. They opened its arms and the Crucible took care of the Reapers. We're still fighting their remaining troops, but we are winning. Once this battle is done, the war will be over."

He did not seem to believe it himself.

"What about Shepard?" Kaidan could not stop himself. It seemed like such a selfish question to ask. What about _my_ boyfriend, did _my_ boyfriend make it out alive, I care about my _own_ happiness, what do I care about anyone else? "And Anderson", he added after a beat.

"We're not sure."

Three words that felt like a knife through the heart. No, you do not lose hope _now_, he thought. What did "not sure" really mean? Nothing! The Normandy's crew was alive even though their communications had been cut off. No one could have been _sure_ about their fate, either. Yes… Shepard had to be fine, too.

"We lost contact a few minutes before the Crucible fired. But the Citadel is gone. It's exploding in orbit as we speak. I don't think…"

"… no, me neither", Kaidan interrupted. It was rude, especially to a man of Hackett's position. "Admiral, we need transportation, and we need it fast. Our crew is injured and they need to get to a hospital."

"We know your position. We'll send someone as soon as we can. Hackett out."

Kaidan did not know what to do next. He felt empty. No thoughts, no emotions, no pain. Shepard was gone. He had always known he might not make it, he had said farewell back in London and he had admitted they would probably never see each other again. But still, Kaidan had been _hoping_.

Dammit, why had Shepard decided to run up to the conduit with Vega and Liara? Kaidan had been with him on virtually every assignment except this one. He could have joined him wherever he was now.

"Kaidan, I…" Garrus tried to say something, but the words never left his mouth.

The biotic ignored him, stood up and sat down again. He had no idea where wanted to go, he could just as well stay here. He covered his forehead and his eyes with his left hand, but he was far from crying; he simply could not stand seeing the shuttle bay any longer. He was reeking of blood and vomit, his right arm hurt and he could not stop thinking about Shepard.

At least, he had actually kissed him this time.

"Major, you might want to see this", Joker's voice rang through the Omni-tool. Feeling slightly disconnected from his body, Kaidan lowered his arm and established a visual connection.

"What is it?"

"Just look", Joker answered and forwarded the feed from the Normandy's outer cameras to him. Apparently, they had crashed on top of some sort of tropical rain forest. It was yet another miracle that the ship had not set the trees on fire or fallen off from her delicate position and killed them all. But the truly shocking part of the view was the sky – was this another moon? It was huge!

"What is that?", he gasped.

"The Citadel's remains. Its artificial gravity keeps the rubble above the atmosphere close, creating some sort of disk", he heard EDI say. She explained a bit more about physics and how it worked in detail, but Kaidan had stopped listening. Shepard's body was up there on that disc. He felt no desire to see it and shut off his Omni-tool.

Two hours passed before rescue ships arrived and took them to the nearest hospital. The doctors told Kaidan that Vega would survive, although it would take years to give him new legs. Tali and Garrus were transferred to London where they could receive proper medication; she was already feeling ill. Liara had a concussion, but was unharmed otherwise. And everyone else was fine as well – it was a relief beyond words.

Kaidan himself would make a full recovery, too, although the nerves in his arm needed time to regrow. He found he did not care very much. The time for crying and wailing had come, he decided as he lay in his bed, he wanted to mourn the loss of…

Admiral Hackett's timing was impeccable. He sent an urgent call that Kaidan dared not ignore.

"Major Alenko, we have news."

"What kind of news?"

"We found Shepard. He's alive."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Shepard**

"_We know the score. We know this is goodbye."_

"_You're right. We know the score."_

Five years ago.

The first thing he recalled was the taste of his lips. Their softness. Their warmth. As his mind reconstructed whatever snippets of memory he still possessed, he began remembering the man behind these lips.

His kiss, rather nervously performed the first time around and delivered perfectly by the end. His embrace. His heartbeat. His voice. His strong arms.

It had been so easy to lose himself in those arms. For a few minutes he would simply forget his worries and let this man take care of it all. A few minutes of bliss.

Then he remembered those worries. The weight of the galaxy on his shoulders. It was too much, way too much, his mind had been screaming in agony for weeks because he would not allow himself to crack under the pressure, and even then he almost had.

He regained consciousness and realised he was lying on a bed. He could not breathe, yet he was breathing. It was a bright room, he could see that with his eyes closed, and after a while he figured afterlife was weirder than he had expected - or maybe, just maybe, he was in a hospital.

Had he survived? Did he live? Was it his _heart_ that was constantly pounding?

The thought shocked him and he opened his eyes. It was all a blur, but he could hear voices. He did not understand a word, but these were definitely voices. Talking. About him.

He was alive. He was exhausted.

Shortly afterwards, he drifted into a dreamless sleep. When he woke up, _he_ was there. And finally, he remembered his name and his smile and just about everything that had made him fall in love. Made him _love_ this man. It had been so long. But had it really? It could have been a century, it sure felt like one, it could have been mere minutes.

"Shepard." The calmness of his voice made it real: He had succeeded. Kaidan caressed his cheek and said: "I've been waiting for you. It's going to be alright."

He could not reply because he had no voice. He could not even move. All he could do was stare at this man. There was not enough time in the world to simply _look_ at him. What a gorgeous sight. And he looked well. He felt a bit ashamed for needing Kaidan so much, for being so weak right now.

"I'll be here", he heard him whisper as Kaidan drew closer and gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose. It was as though their faces were sparking with electricity. "You can rest for as long as you need."

Shepard wanted to continue his staring, but his body got the better of him and he fell asleep. This time he dreamt. He dreamt of the last words he had spoken to his man. Back then he had given up. He had said that they might not see each other again. When the run for the conduit had begun, part of him had already been dead. For once, he had wanted to be cold and ruthless, he had wished not to care. He had said these things so he would not hesitate to do whatever he had to.

Shepard wanted to apologise now.

Whenever he woke up in the course of the following days, Kaidan would be there. He would always smile. Sometimes, he would look out of the window and pretend not to listen while others came to visit, sometimes he would participate in their talks. Most of his crew came by except for James, who had sent a get-well card to his loco Commander (and would receive one in return).

The doctors were reluctant to tell him about his injuries, but he insisted. It could not have been too bad, he thought, he had actually died once, after all. So they told him he had lost half his face to an explosion while the rubble he had been found in had wrecked the other half. X-Rays of his skull made Kaidan joke about their resemblance to a certain Humpty Dumpty, although he never laughed about it, and every other bone in his body seemed to be broken. His right lung, his liver and parts of his intestines had had to be replaced, as well…

Yet he was breathing, thinking, _living_. "Lucky" was not strong enough a word to describe his survival.

Shepard recovered fast, or so he was told. He knew that other soldiers with his kind of injuries were put out of their misery or given pain medication until nature took care of them, but he was a special case. At times, this thought sickened him, most of the time, however, he was indifferent. He was incapable of complex thoughts and his brain worked along the lines of: "Kaidan good, doctors bad."

Three weeks after waking up they let him breathe for himself and sit on the side of his bed. He was allowed to eat soup and he started nodding and shaking his head because he had grown tired of listening without responding. His hands did not obey him yet, but he practised hard. Another two weeks would pass before he could make sounds with his mouth, but it took one more week before they resembled any language known to man.

He grew impatient and his temper began to rise. Being helpless was okay for a few hours, but this had gone on too long. And while he could accept Kaidan's presence at these times, everyone else annoyed the hell out of him. He snapped at his nurse, he insulted his doctors, he ordered his crew to stay away from him. At one point, he threw everyone who was not medical staff out of his room.

And of course, Kaidan would not have it.

"I've seen your body before they patched you up. You were nothing but a red pulp of flesh inside an armour. Without it, it'd have been impossible to tell if you were human or alien. Believe me, Shepard, it was a _horrible_ sight."

Shepard felt sick. It was the Lazarus Project all over again. Had he been recreated from a corpse – again? Could he not simply die and find some peace? He almost wished to be dead.

"You were alive, though", Kaidan had continued as though he was answering. "It was a miracle, but this bloody mess had a beating heart. Do you know how we found you? Your armour sent out a signal, it was traced and we found what was left of you. They brought you to a hospital and identified you with your dog tag. They hauled Liara and me in to confirm your identity.

"Liara wept for days when she heard. You know how it is, Shepard. Once the battle is over and the adrenaline is out of your bloodstream, you let your guard down and your emotions take over... I went to see you every day, expecting the worst. And you got better. They cleaned your wounds, they stitched you up, they reconstructed your organs and your face. The only unknown was when you would wake up, but you did that on your own.

"You're getting better at an enormous rate. It may seem ridiculously slow to you, but I have seen what you're recovering from. Trust me when I say: You're doing good, John."

More than anything else it was the use of his first name that calmed Shepard. Kaidan had rarely done this before except for those intoxicating moments when they had been lost in each other. His rage had… evaporated.

For a while the biotic fell silent. He looked out of the window as he had so often before and Shepard did not know what to do or say. He was embarrassed about his ill-tempered behaviour. Eventually, though, he decided to stand up and limp to his man.

It took a lot of effort to say it right: "Sorry."

"Don't be." Kaidan took his hand, but did not smile. "We do understand your frustration. The others respect you too much to be angry and they know you too well to be hurt. And me, well, you know, I'm yours. Have been since llos, really. It's my job to make things right for you. After all, it's only been three months. You _are_ impressive."

Shepard tried to say something, but he could not convince his tongue to move properly. Instead, he pointed at Kaidan, then at his eyes and indicated wiping them. Had Kaidan cried for him? He could not really picture it as the biotic usually was so perfectly in control of his emotions.

Kaidan looked at him. "What do you think?", he said after a beat and Shepard knew.

As weeks turned into months, he regained his ability to speak, to move, to eat. He began working out again so he would feel strong again and he moved into the Normandy's wreck in the Southern parts of London. Finally, he was back home and everyone else seemed to be there, too.

Liara had kept her room downstairs and gathered information, Garrus and Tali were spending a suspicious amount of time helping each other calibrate (especially as both the cannons and the drive core were dysfunctional now) while Joker and EDI took care of the camp that was being built around them.

Recovering meant, however, that Shepard had to return to his duties. The press had declared him a hero and the Alliance demanded one or two interviews a week. The newly founded Council, consisting of all the stranded races, had made some unpopular decisions and the resulting frustration needed soothing. Who could be more suited than _the_ Shepard?

It was a good thing he was surrounded by close friends. They kept him sane whenever the politicians wanted to ruin everyone's good time. He knew they were right in pushing for new Mass Relays, but a lot of soldiers, scientist and civilians deserved a rest and they needed a proper home, not just some generic leftovers from colonisation attempts piled on top of the ruins of their houses.

But Shepard was not happy that he seemed to do little else than boost everyone's morale. Everyone else had better things to do, after all. Liara had begun making long lists of survivors and tried to locate their families. She admitted that even she was surprised how well it went, but she was the Shadow Broker - it was her job to know things before anyone else in the galaxy.

Tali had become a full-fledged admiral of the Quarian Fleet. She spent half her days in the liveships to make sure there was enough food for both her people and the Turian. She was honoured by co-signing a new Cooperation Treaty between their two races, delivering a speech alongside Primarch (and Councillor) Victus.

Garrus was incredibly proud. He, meanwhile, had rallied a bunch of soldiers from all races to re-establish some kind of police force. It was infuriating to see some people abuse the chaos after the war to go on a looting spree, but people had always been idiots.

Dr Michel took care of them all. Most injuries had healed, but some wounds required more than stitches and pills. She was just as good a doctor as Chakwas and every bit as dedicated. Shepard saw her every day for the first month after his release and she said he was as good as new.

And then there was Kaidan. Shepard was incredibly impressed by everything his man was doing. In addition to his Spectre duties for the Council, he was spokesperson for human biotics and mediator whenever two races had a disagreement. Granted, he did not do too well in interviews, but who had ever been perfect?

Present day.

Shepard missed his fish. They were still in the Normandy and Joker was taking care of them (or saving money to buy replacements before Shepard would find out), but he had liked to look at them every once in a while.

Back then when Cerberus had resurrected him he had needed his fish to keep himself calm. Working for a terrorist organisation, even though he was doing the right thing, had enraged and frustrated him. Sure, he could tell his friends he had been using them, but he could not fool himself. He could not fool Kaidan, either.

Meeting him on Horizon had disturbed him. It had been the first time he had realised that two years had passed for one man while the other had merely taken a nap. And the look on his face… Shepard never wanted to see it again. Cold. Resentful. Disappointed.

He had tried to blame him, he had tried to be angry, he had distracted himself with Miranda, but he knew that Kaidan was right. Had their roles been reversed, he would have been just as distant.

Thankfully, the new Normandy had a fish tank in the captain's cabin and Shepard had bought all kinds of exotic fish. Whenever he felt frustrated for having lost two years of his life and the control over it, he would take a seat and just stare at the fish.

Eventually, he would calm down.

Shepard was sitting on his bed, playing with his space hamster to distract himself when Kaidan called him on his omni-tool.

"Hello, John", he said and smiled. He was still wearing his uniform, he had probably been working up until now. It would be like him, after all.

"Hey Kaidan. How are you doing up there?"

"Well, you know, it's the same we've already been through a thousand times. General Lemaes is fighting with Primarch Victus while General Kirrahe offends General Koris. Hackett doesn't say anything at all, but what do you know? Admiral Xeltan had a speech prepared."

"Sounds like fun."

"You bet. Once I'm home we have to watch a certain Hamlet production again. So, what've you been up to?"

"The same old stuff." Shepard sighed. "I've been to Liara's. We had a nice chat about her father."

"Yeah, she sent me a message about her."

"And guess what? The Normandy's ready. Joker will bring her back to you."

Kaidan paused. "Are you alright, John?"

Dammit, Kaidan, why did he always know when he was hiding things?

"Of course I am", Shepard said. "But I guess I'm getting tired of being stuck on Earth. Not that that's all that unusual these days. It's getting harder to be patient, though."

"I know", Kaidan agreed. "You may be human, but Earth is not your true home. Space is. You were born to be out there."

"If all goes well, we won't have to wait much longer. Will you take me with you if you go to Palaven?"

"Of course I will. The Normandy's still your ship."

"We've had this discussion… She's an Alliance ship. And I'm not with the Alliance anymore."

"You know how I feel about that. You're also part of my crew as long as the Council doesn't provide you with a proper ship."

Shepard nodded smilingly. Soon afterwards, he wished his husband goodnight and put his omni-tool back on the desk. It was good to hear Kaidan's voice before he went to sleep – he would have much nicer dreams tonight.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: - First and foremost: thank you for those kind reviews! I'm thrilled :D<br>__- Soo, this chapter contains lots of hints where I want this little fanfiction story to go... there are a bunch of questions that need answering... Lots of speculation *cough*  
><em>_- And I didn't really remember the dialogue from the beginning, but it's the dialogue option I chose on my first playthrough. It was really depressing :-(_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Kaidan**

"_You a career man, Alenko?"_

Present day.

Kaidan put down his omni-tool and took a datapad from his bed. He still had to read a report about the progress at Jump Zero and it was best to get it out of the way soon. Besides, he would not sleep well tonight in any case, even though it had been a long and exhausting day. Assisting the Council was tiresome at their best meetings, but today… Unfortunately, they insisted on having a Spectre present – someone who had not only read about the galaxy or superficially travelled it, but someone who had been on all kinds of planets, met different species and cultures and proven himself in various conflicts.

There were six Spectres on Earth and five of them took turns participating in the meetings. It was Kaidan's turn now and the Salarian, Jondum Bau, would be next… Shepard was the only one they did not invite. Sure, he was a Spectre, too, but asking him to be at their meetings – that would have been outright _nasty_ even by Batarian standards. No one would forget his trial anytime soon.

Kaidan definitely had not.

But there he was in London, sitting in a chair all day, listening to politicians fight, voicing his opinion every few hours – it was not the career he had wanted, but hey, he was alive, well-fed and had access to long-range communication to talk to his loved ones. Even five years after the war, this was more than most people had.

People had a reason to grow impatient. Word on the street (according to Liara, at least, as Kaidan was no longer in a position to hear it first-hand) was that all kinds of racism were resurfacing – everyone seemed to resent every other race but their own.

He almost missed the first few months after the battle when the races had helped each other selflessly and seemed to overcome their differences. Glory days. Yeah, right, of course, people had also been dying from their wounds and from hunger left, right and centre.

"Once we have Relays, the world will become a much larger place", Lemaes had said at today's meeting. "Most of the Turian and Quarian forces will leave the system and the rage will lessen."

"You speak as if this growing hatred is our fault", Victus had replied. The Asari and the Turian rarely saw eye to eye, but as of late their fights had become… unprofessional.

The meeting had gone from bad to worse when Koris had announced that the liveships were nearing capacity. "We cannot afford any more delays. We need the Relays, we shouldn't draw any fundings from the construction site."

"Your people gave up birth control when you reconquered Rannoch. Stupid idea. Now you starve. Your own fault, so to say. Should've held the…", Kirrahe had begun, but Koris had interrupted him fiercely:

"… don't say 'line', General, or you'll regret it. You've been reproducing like mad, too, haven't you? So why should we deny our soldiers the joy of a family?"

Damn, that fight had been ugly, too. It was hard to believe that there were no actual politicians on this Council. Instead, the highest-ranking leaders of their respective armies had been chosen to represent each race. They had been working together so well during the battle and now they were bickering about _birth control_.

As if these fights had not been enough to rob Kaidan of his sleep, Admiral and Councillor Hackett had approached him after the meeting. He told him the Alliance was planning to rebuild their fleets once a connection to Taetrus had been established.

Kaidan had been surprised – military funds had been a non-issue since the battle because there was no enemy left. Then, Hackett had explained that there could be more sentient races out there like the original Rachni and if the Council races ever wanted to explore the galaxy, they needed to be able to defend themselves. Just in case.

"If history has taught us one thing, it's that peace never lasts forever", Kaidan had added. Hackett had continued to tell him how long it would take and how they needed people who had leadership in them.

At that point, Kaidan had thought of Shepard, who had been discharged from the Alliance for the crime of saving the galaxy. Hackett had obviously been thinking of someone else:

"One day you might command your own fleet, Major Alenko."

The Admiral's words still echoed in Kaidan's head. There was a future beyond rebuilding what they had lost and he felt stupid because he had never really thought that far.

But he knew he was a good candidate. He had proven himself and he would be Commanding Officer of the Normandy in a few days time. He would have to resign as a Spectre, but that was actually a relief. Becoming one had always felt like part of Udina's scheme and he had never particularly enjoyed it after the coup.

No, brooding would not do and Jump Zero could wait, Kaidan decided after rereading the first sentence of the report for the fourth time. He left his room in the Council's building, one of only fifty habitable buildings in the whole London area, to take a walk in the ruins, although this part of the city had actually been properly cleaned and restored for the Council's sake. It was almost beautiful.

The Turian guard, whose name he had forgot, saluted as Kaidan passed and stepped onto the so-called Citadel Street. The walls on the sides had names engraved all over them as a memorial – the names of the Citadel's inhabitants. The fact that the writing was tiny and the road seemingly endless made this one of the most depressing sites Kaidan could think of.

The peace had not come without sacrifice. After the euphoria of the first few days had died down, people had realised what they had lost. The destruction of the Mass Relays had caused a planet-wide panic with another two thousand dead. The cost for their survival was high.

Shepard said it was too high. Sometimes, he even wished he could have sacrificed himself in order to save a few more people. Kaidan never knew how to respond, he felt angry about it, but at the same time, he was aware how selfish it would be to reprimand him.

So he resorted to saying: "You did everything a man can do", whenever Shepard seemed to be in particularly low spirits.

As he reached a fountain surrounded by empty Geth, a shiver went down his spine. He hated this memorial with all his heart, not because of what it stood for, but because of Shepard's trial.

The Council had tried and punished Shepard for wiping out the Geth. It was… Kaidan had no words. He had never had them. He was just as speechless today as he had been three years ago.

After Shepard had left the hospital he had written a detailed report on the events on the Citadel, sparing no details. The Councillors who had met and known Shepard were full of praise and understanding, although the loss of the Geth was "unfortunate" to them. Except for Admiral Koris no one had _really_ cared about the synthetic race.

But the Batarian and the Hanar Councillor were much less impressed and wanted _punishment_ for the _genocide_. They had actually used that word. The former was bitter about the Alpha Relay, the latter distraught at Shepard's involvement with the Fall of Kahje. So, the Council had fought about it for days and most did not want to see Shepard punished. What would the public think?

But Shepard was a hero. He had agreed to a trial as soon as he had found out about the fight.

Three years ago.

On the morning of the trial Kaidan woke up alone. Shepard had already left the bed, got dressed and was sitting on the sofa with a datapad in his hands.

"Couldn't sleep", he said casually when he noticed his husband.

"In a few hours it'll all be over", Kaidan yawned. "I'm looking forward to tonight if nothing else. We could get happily drunk afterwards, you know." Shepard did not respond, so he added: "But I wonder… why do you do this?"

Shepard did not answer right away. He took a few hours to phrase a response and waited until they had reached the Council: "I helped make all Geth individuals only to delete them two weeks later. I have to live with this kind of guilt every day. It's… not easy. And sometimes it is too much. So I'm hoping that I might feel better if I'm punished."

The Council building was suspiciously empty that day, but of course the whole affaire was kept secret from the public. Hell, most people were happy about the Geth's extermination. The fact, however, that instead of security staffs there were only Spectres present struck him as odd – just how few people did know?

"I think that's a good sign", Liara pondered. "The Council doesn't see you as a threat because they'll be on your side."

Liara, Garrus and Kaidan were accompanying their Commander as moral support. They would not be allowed to speak for him, but at least they could be there. When the Asari Spectre led them into the Council chamber, Kaidan noticed the disgruntled looks on the Councillors' faces – they had obviously been fighting again.

The trial itself was a simple retelling of Shepard's report, although the Hanar asked a few things and the Elcor took his time to praise Shepard for making the Illusive Man shoot himself.

"You could have chosen to control the Reapers. You could have made them destroy themselves. That would have saved a lot of lives", the Batarian suggested.

"It's possible the Catalyst was lying", Lemaes contradicted.

"Still you trusted him about how to destroy the Reapers. Why is that?"

The questioning took four hours, then the Council retreated to debate over their verdict. Kaidan's efforts to comfort his husband – to tell him everything would be alright – were unsuccessful as Shepard refused him.

And then the Council returned from their chambers to destroy the man:

Shepard would be discharged from the Alliance, but continue to serve the Council as a Spectre. He would also lose command over the Normandy, which was to be given to the next highest-ranking Alliance officer. In exchange, Shepard would retain his freedom.

"Do you accept the Council's verdict?", Kirrahe asked.

A beat – then Shepard nodded: "I do."

"This meeting is adjourned", the Salarian said, turned on his heel and stormed off. Hell, even the Council was unhappy.

"I think I'll have a big stupid jellyfish for dinner", Wrex raged. "'This one demands justice regardless of heroic deeds.' And the Batarian's… you know what they're like. I'm sorry, Shepard."

After most Councillors had left the room, Admiral Hackett approached Shepard and whispered something in his ear. They shook hands and the Admiral exited the room, too. Then Shepard turned to his friends.

Kaidan's heart broke the instant he looked into his eyes. The man who had destroyed the Reapers had finally been defeated by a few backstabbing politicians. But he smiled at them and said they should return to the Normandy.

He did not say a word on their way home while his team could not stop abusing those dirty politicians. Kaidan had a few interesting ideas himself, but in truth, he was not really listening. He was worried about Shepard, especially when he requested to be alone for a few hours.

It was not until late that evening that Kaidan dared to enter his cabin – the Normandy would never be his as she had been Shepard's – and found his man lying on their bed and staring at the ceiling. It was painful to see him like this. Kaidan swallowed his anger, sat down on the bed and rested a hand on his leg.

"Are you alright?", he asked tentatively. He had half a mind to skip the conversation altogether and fast forward to a more physical kind of comfort. It _would_ be an easier method to get his mind off today's events, but first things first.

"I am actually", Shepard answered in a monotonous voice. "I figured there'd be consequences for the Geth and the Batarian. I deserve what I got."

"No, you didn't. It wasn't your fault to begin with."

"Not my _fault_. But these were the results of my actions and I have to stand up to them. I ended millions of lives."

"You had no choice."

"As Bek'tall said I could have chosen to control the Reapers."

"And as Lemaes said you couldn't trust that Catalyst. Who knows what'd have happened if you'd done something different. For all we know it could have actually destroyed the galaxy. You did the right thing, John. The galaxy is at peace only because of you."

"Does the end justify the means, Kaidan? I want your honest opinion on this."

Kaidan sighed. "As for that, I have no answer. All I can say is that I know you and I've seen you make a lot of hard decisions. Think back. One man alone shouldn't have had to make them, but you always chose the right thing. You're a better and braver man than anyone I know." Shepard kept silent, so Kaidan continued: "But I guess there's nothing I can say to make this right for you, is there?"

"I told you I'm alright. I'm guilty – I can accept my punishment. Can you accept it, too?"

There it was again: the tone of defeat. It disturbed Kaidan far more than he could describe, but he did not want to fight with Shepard about this.

"I accept your acceptance, John, but not how they were treating you. Don't try to convince me otherwise, either."

Shepard smiled and drew him in for a kiss. "The others are angry, too, so I guess I'll have to talk to them. But there's one thing: I'm glad it's you."

"It's me what?"

"You who's CO of the Normandy now. I don't think anyone deserves her more than you do, Major Alenko."

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: This chapter was somewhat difficult... I rewrote the flashback part almost every day because I was never satisfied.<em>

_- Kaidan's still a Major. I felt he's too young to be a General..._

_- Enkindle this, Shepard! Added an explanation why the Hanar holds a grudge: on my 2nd playthrough I kinda failed to save his homeworld Kahje. Whoops. No Kasumi to save the day, either :-(_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – Shepard**

"_I need a straight answer."_

"_Kaidan."_

"_Don't 'kaidan' me, this is business!"_

The first anniversary.

Earth was doing okay. There were enough houses, there was food and water, there was a government. Many were still unhappy, but how could they not be? A new dark age had begun.

Thus, the Council decided to hold worldwide celebrations on the anniversary of their victory. Remind people what they had achieved to keep the growing frustration down. So many things still needed to be done and rebuilding the Mass Relays would cost a lot more than patience.

Shepard knew it was a good decision. People needed to vent and an excessive party would be a good idea. He was nevertheless surprised when his crew approached him about a party on the Normandy's crew deck.

"You've already missed our initial party, how can you even think about it?", Kaidan insisted.

"We'll invite everyone", Garrus added. "It'll be like a reunion."

Shepard agreed without much resistance. It was easy to decline the Council's invitation to the official party – he was in no mood for a suit. And he rather liked the idea of seeing his friends again, he had not seen most of them for quite some time.

And sure enough, it seemed like everyone had made it to the party. Even James had come from Italy. He had lost both his legs, but his prostheses worked well enough for now. Given time, he would get new legs, he was sure of it. He was sitting in the lounge and shared some wild stories about even wilder nurses while Liara was constantly rolling her eyes. Presumably, Tali was doing the same thing. Garrus, however, listened intently.

Jack and Joker were exchanging something similar to pleasantries when she noticed Shepard and tried to pull him to dance a bit, but he insisted on drinking first. Fleeing to the bar he met Jacob, who showed him pictures of his newborn. Miranda was with him, they drank a glass of Bourbon each and he commented on how much she was laughing tonight.

"Don't forget I'm designed to perfection, John, so I _know_ when to enjoy myself", she joked and hugged him. "You've liberated me of a lot of burdens, too."

A few hours later, he spotted her dancing wildly with Jack. He laughed out loud at that sight – it had been only little more than one and a half years since he had stopped them from killing each other.

Wrex and Grunt were on the observation deck and told some gruesome stories about tearing apart Reaper troops and feasting afterwards. Zaeed had a few anecdotes of his own to add. Steve and Trayner had both brought new partners, but seemed much more interested in talking to their old colleagues than them – well, they probably spent enough time with each other already. Dr Chakwas and Dr Michel, in the meantime, spoke a language he knew nothing about: medicine.

"There you are, John", Liara said as he returned to Garrus, James and Kaidan, who had joined them. "I want to dance with you."

"And I want to see you dance", Tali agreed. "Your smooth moves have become a legend themselves."

"Are you making fun of me?", Shepard asked.

"We'll do it in the interest of science", Liara laughed and dragged him onto the dance floor. He had always been self-conscious when it came to dancing, but now, surrounded by a flock of beautiful women, he was _sure_ that everyone was looking at him. At least, these people were his closest friends…

When the last guest had left and every resident of the Normandy had returned to their quarters, Shepard took the elevator up to his cabin and found Kaidan sitting on the sofa with two glasses and a bottle.

"I'm really sure I don't wanna drink that", Shepard said as he sat down.

"I'm really sure you do. It's water."

"Oh, okay then." As he emptied his glass and another one right after that, he noticed Kaidan staring at him. He did not mind usually, but something about this stare was amiss. The other man looked really tired – and sombre. He was too drunk to raise his eyebrows questioningly, but Kaidan understood anyway.

"Seeing James today reminded me of some things, John. I need to ask something and I'm not sure I'll like your answer."

"That's as vague as it gets."

"Well…"

"Stop. Not tonight. I've been drinking. Can we do this when I'm sober?" Shepard had no intention of having a fight (Kaidan sounded as if he was about to start one) and he was drunk enough to sleep in spite of his curiosity.

"Of course. It's just – I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. But it can wait another night, yeah."

He smiled insecurely and Shepard ruffled up his hair in response (Kaidan hated that) before he staggered to their bed. By the time he woke up he had already forgotten about this conversation, but Kaidan had put on his serious face all through breakfast and it became hard to ignore.

"What's wrong?", Shepard asked when they returned to their cabin and sat down to watch the news. Parades all over the globe… nothing interesting.

"Well, _stuff_. Last night. You know…"

"This isn't about Miranda again, is it?"

"No!"

"Good. Well… Did I do something embarrassing? I didn't punch any reporters, did I? Oh no, I didn't knock out Diane Allers?"

"No, no, she wasn't even there", Kaidan reassured him. "It's just… I wanted to have a talk with you. After the party. But it wasn't the best moment, so…"

"Ah." Shepard remembered and he really was not pleased by the idea of a "talk". But one of the things he had learnt in his life was how putting off unpleasant things tended to make them worse. "Then let's have this talk."

Kaidan shifted in his seat, looked at the fish tank, sighed. He was clearly uncomfortable and Shepard had no idea why.

"Do you think I'm a good man?", he finally asked in a low voice.

"Yes, you are", Shepard answered without hesitation, but in a tone of surprise.

"Do you think I'm a good soldier?", Kaidan continued, still looking away.

"Yes, you are."

"Did I ever fight badly under your command?" He was almost whispering now.

"No, you didn't."  
>What kind of questions was he asking? Shepard felt his temper rise.<p>

"Have you ever doubted I could hold my own on the battlefield?"

"Of course not. What's this, Kaidan? Are you being stupid on purpose?"

Kaidan paused and looked at him, acidly. Then he said: "I'm not your puppy, John. I'm not some convenient idiot you screw before you go to war while he longingly awaits your return. I'm a soldier, a good one, too. I can fight."

"I _know_ that!"  
>Shepard was standing now. He had no idea what kind of idiot had replaced his Kaidan, but he was not going to listen to these accusations. Puppy? Convenient? Shepard could have had any man or woman in the galaxy, why in the Catalyst's name would he have settled for this man who was <em>nothing<em> but high maintenance if it were not for love?

"Then why didn't you take me with you?"

Kaidan had too much control over his body to yell, but his body was gleaming blue with biotics – a dangerous sign.

"What do you mean? I took you with me _every_ _single_ _time_!" They worked well together, they always had. What was Kaidan's damn problem? He had never been this angry before, not even on the topic of Miranda.

"No, you didn't." The blue faded. "When you went to storm to the Citadel, you took Liara and James with you. You left me behind, John. It was the most important mission of your life and for the first time, you left me behind."

"I… what?"

"I've been wondering about that, you know. Did you think that I was useless? That I was weak? I'd always thought I was a good and powerful soldier. And then, of all times, _that_ was when I actually doubted my abilities. And _you_ of all people made me. Since then I've thought about this a lot, John, and as much as I love you I can't…"

"Hold it right there, Alenko", Shepard interrupted calmly. "You're being stupid."

"Thank you, _Shepard_", Kaidan replied, stressing the last word unnecessarily. "But I _know_ I'm a good soldier and I know I deserve someone who doesn't look down on me."

"I ordered you to shut up", Shepard said smilingly and looked down at the floor, gathering his thoughts. "I need you to listen to me. You're overthinking this. Just… give me a moment… to think about my words… because I want to be clear on this. I don't want to lose you."

Kaidan looked sad, dammit, why did he always spend so much time with his thoughts? Shepard had shared almost everything with him and Kaidan had kept this nuclear bomb from him for a _year_?

He would punish him for this later. Right now, he needed to save him from his idiocy.

"I was… prioritising", Shepard began. "No, listen to me, _then_ get pissed. That last mission – getting to the Citadel - we weren't allowed to fail. Failure equalled extinction, simple as that. None of us could afford to worry or think about anything else than the mission itself. And… I know you're strong, Kaidan, I know you're brave. But letting you accompany me…" He paused. "No. I couldn't take you. I _would_ worry about you. I just can't help it. And that wasn't an option, so I had to leave you behind. I knew you weren't really safe, but maybe you'd be _safer_. I'd hoped to worry less about you."

"John."

"That was why I gave up on us when we were at the camp. Farewell, remember? When we told each other we wouldn't see each other again… I've never really apologised for that."

"You didn't have to. I haven't forgotten who started it."

"Yeah, but that's because you're dark. But I – I was once told I was like a beacon of hope to the galaxy. And I had no hope for us. That's been bothering me for a while and I really needed to say: I'm sorry. You see, I've done some brooding, too", he added with a wink.

"Now you're mocking me", Kaidan laughed and kissed him passionately. "It's good to know you're not… you know."

"I'm looking up to you, in fact. You're dealing with this mess on Earth far better than I am. You're – impressive. You're also an idiot. But we're good now, aren't we?"

Kaidan kissed him again. "Do you wanna marry me?"

Shepard blinked. "Huh. That's not the reply I expected."

"Yeah. I expected something different from you, too, you know."

Both of them laughed.

Present day.

Shepard looked up to the sky and felt slightly disappointed to see nothing but perfect blue. No trace yet of the Normandy. It was unlike Joker to be late even if it were only five minutes.

They had cleared a Normandy-sized landing pad near their camp because new houses had been occupying the old spot for a while now. He had almost forgotten how huge the ship was until Liara and Kaidan had finished their work. Biotics really did accelerate the process (a few singularities and well-placed throws were all it took).

"Joker's late", Shepard said and started playing with his wedding ring. It was a bad habit, he knew it, but he had always been an impatient man. Eight years ago, he had had a habit of "losing" the connection to the Council whenever they were scolding him for making the right choices. This in turn had infuriated the Council even more and with each report, they had become less patient with him. A vicious circle. After the destruction of the Destiny Ascension, the new Council had been distrustful and distant towards him at best. He could not really blame them, either. They, too, were dead now - killed when the Reapers took the Citadel.

"Give him a few minutes, he deserves a joyride and a few minutes alone with EDI", Kaidan replied interrupting Shepard's thoughts, who felt gentle biotic powers pull his hands apart. "Stop that. One day, you'll lose that ring."

"Aye, aye, mom."

"I wonder what she looks like now", Liara said, grinning at the two men.

"According to Joker, they didn't change much", Shepard explained. "The CIC mostly because we're not at war anymore, but our quarters are the same. Or will be again once we move back in."

"And then we'll fly to Jupiter", Tali said. "I'm really excited."

"We've been to space before, Tali", Garrus explained as though to a child, but there was definite (and affectionate) mocking in his voice. "Only last month, remember? That mobster on the moon?"

"I know!", she responded. "But flying with the Normandy's different. She's not a random ship, she's home. I'm vas Normandy."

"You may be vas Vakarian soon."

"That's not how it works!"

"There she is." Liara pointed to the sky. She was right - there was something approaching them at immense speed. Damn, had she always been so fast? He could hardly see more than a blur as she swooped down on them, decelerated and touched the ground with a soft thud.

Yes, he thought as he gazed at the ship with the _NORMANDY SR-2_ writing on her side. The Normandy was more than just an advanced battleship. She had been with him on almost all of his adventures and he had spent the most exciting and most frightening time of his life there. He had got to know his closest friends on board, too. Just as Tali had said: She was home. He was whole again.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: This whole fanfic is kinda an epilogue for my "canon Shepard". The second character to finish ME1, the first to finish ME2 and ME3. He was a true paragon, but he did make mistakes and he really lost his patience with the Council. There'll be eight chapters and an epilogue - that's the plan anyways.<em>

_- Admittedly, Kaidan's a bit whiney in the flashback scene. But then again, he may be so. My BF doubting me hurts a lot more than some random dude doubting me._

_- No Kasumi, sorry. As much as I liked her, she just didn't exist in that "canon save file"- hence the Kahje thing from the previous chapter._

_- __There's no Shepard without a Normandy!_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – Kaidan**

"_What happens if this doesn't work out?"_

Present day.

The Normandy's first flight took them to Jump Zero. Also known as Gagarin station this place held a lot of memories for Kaidan, but he had not come for a brain camp reunion – Jump Zero was the construction site for the Pluto Relay. Because resources were scarce, the Council had decided to use existing facilities instead of building new ones.

When the ship docked, Kaidan and Shepard – each with a distinct mission - entered the space station in the company of Tali and Liara. A Salarian engineer and a human scientist greeted them and led Kaidan and Tali to the observation deck, while Shepard and Liara were headed to the laboratories.

"Say hi to Dr Wiks", Tali said. Dr Padok Wiks had initiated a project to engineer new kinds of fast-growing vegetable for the dextro-amino races, so she was quite fond of him.

An elevator took Kaidan and Tali up two floors. Jump Zero might have been small compared to Omega or the Citadel, but it was still the biggest deep space station of the Sol system. About ten thousand people lived here and a liveship in the vicinity housed nine hundred more.

"There. Can see it from here", the Salarian said and pointed to the windows. The view was spectacular…

Five years ago, the explosion of the Charon Relay had split Pluto into two large pieces. One of them had eventually crashed into Jupiter, the other one had collided with Nix causing a chain reaction – none of Pluto and its moons was left today.

Therefore, the new Relay would be anchored to dwarf planet Eris and damn, it did look like a proper Relay. Of course, it was a lot smaller than the old Charon Relay because Eezo was rare and could hardly be taken away from the remaining fleets – what use would a Relay be without properly equipped ships?

"Everything seems fine", Kaidan observed. He could see the larger drones in the distance that were polishing the Relay's arms. When every race in the galaxy put aside their differences and worked together, this was what they could accomplish. If the Pluto Relay worked, it would be the pride of the galaxy.

It was a big if, however.

A lot of people in command were worrying. They had data on the Relays, sure, they had data on a few Reapers, too, and they had the knowledge how a Mass Relay was activated and used – but was it really enough to build one from scratch? Hell, only last month an Asari scientist had _publicly_ stated the amount of Eezo used was nowhere near enough.

Of course the Council had denounced her immediately, they had even released proof that the Asari in question had never had any contact with anyone on the Relay project. But it had caused uproar nevertheless. It was no coincidence that the budget for the Jovian Salvage Project had been increased a few days later…

"Major Alenko. Good to see you." A Turian approached them and saluted. "As you can see the Relay is nearly finished. We're twenty hours behind schedule, but we'll catch up."

"Councillor Victus has moved a lot of money for you, as you know", Kaidan told him coolly. "Don't fall behind again or Councillor Kirrahe will chop off your head."

The Turian seemed taken aback, but then continued: "Of course not. The rings will be installed in thirty-two hours."

"And the core?"

"In the enrichment site. It's ready, but it won't be moved until the Relay's in position. Too dangerous. The Salvage Project is hopeful they have found more Eezo from the Charon Relay, too, so we might be able to expand it. They're preparing probes for Jupiter as we speak."

"Good. Is there anything else I need to know?"

"No, Major."

"Okay. You're dismissed."

The Turian nodded and left in a hurry. After the doors had closed behind him, Tali began to giggle.

"They're afraid of you."

"They shouldn't have been late to begin with", Kaidan replied. "The completion of this project is in all our interests. I don't see how I'm the villain in this."

Tali agreed and gazed at the Relay. "We'll have to build a lot more of them before I can set foot my homeworld again."

"What's the situation on Rannoch?"

"Hasn't changed. There are not enough engineers to build a Relay quickly. It'll take another decade at least."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright. We have been homeless for three hundred years, we can wait a little longer. Some of our scientist are trying to find out if there are any Geth data left, but it seems their memory cores were wiped clean just as thoroughly as on Earth. The Geth could have helped us a great deal."

Kaidan patted her on the back and stared out of the window, too. He dreaded to think what would happen if the Relay did not work. In the best-case scenario there would be riots for a few weeks, then they would start to think of new means while finally starting to rebuild the planet. In the worst-case scenario these riots would turn into terrorism and wars until truly nothing was left.

Later that day, Kaidan and Tali rejoined Shepard and Liara in the mess hall. The Asari told them about Dr Wiks's progress on his research with the Rachni.

"He may have found out how the Rachni songs work. He didn't tell us any specifics, but he says it might actually be possible to copy the principle of their communication."

The reason Liara accompanied Shepard whenever he travelled to Jump Zero's laboratories was her endless enthusiasm as a scientist. Despite her position as the all-knowing Shadow Broker she still wanted to find out some things at first or second hand, not just through her ominous contacts. Last year, she had publicised a book on the last days of the Prothean Empire. It had caused quite a stir within the archaeologist community.

Kaidan still remembered her rescue from Therum and how much time she had spent with Shepard in the course of the following weeks. He and Ash had often been speculating whether there was something more going on between them, but there were never any real signs. And truth be told, Shepard did make it a point to get to know his crew well. Ash had always said their commander was a special kind of man. At some point, Kaidan had wondered if _every single_ woman on Normandy adored Shepard. But hell, the Commander had even made _him_ open up and tell him about brain camp, Rahna and Vyrnnus – the whole story.

Jump Zero had come a long way, he thought. It still looked similar, but it was a completely different place all the same.

"How long are we gonna stay here this time?", Tali asked.

"Two days", Kaidan answered. "I have to be here till the rings are in position. But at least, we can take up quarters in the Normandy."

"Garrus wants to hit Aftershock tonight", Shepard said. Aftershock was the local club. "Think I might join him. Will you come with us?"

"Of course", Tali and Liara answered in unison.

"No", Kaidan replied. The sum of all the happy memories always made him want to leave the station as soon as possible. This place gave him the same kind of hollow feeling in his guts he had had so many years ago on the night before they had arrived on Ilos. "Promise me you won't pass out in an elevator again?"

"That happened _once_!", Shepard argued, but the others were already laughing.

Eight years ago.

He entered the captain's cabin without a second thought. Well, he had been thinking about it a lot, actually, but knocking had never been part of his plan. It was not until he stood in front of Commander Shepard that he realised his rudeness.

"Commander?"

Shepard was sitting at his desk and looked up at him, taking him in.

"Don't you think we're a little past titles?", he asked eventually. It was not what Kaidan had expected.

"We're a little past a lot of things", he said while his head seemed to grow hot. "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship… If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"

"Someone has to get the job done. Let someone else be on the poster."

"Yeah, I doubt the Reapers listen to our propaganda anyway. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos." Kaidan hesitated. "If things don't go well, I want you to know… well… I've enjoyed serving under you."

"You're a good soldier, Kaidan."

The two men stared at each other in silence. What was it about the commander that made Kaidan so nervous? That made his heart skip a beat whenever he heard him say his name? Ever since Virmire something had felt off – he was flustered whenever he looked into his superior's eyes.

"Talk to me, Kaidan. You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head."

"I – I know we've already talked about this. But why am I standing here? Why not Ash?" He had thought he was going to die on Virmire. During the moments Shepard had needed to make his decision he had made peace with the world, knowing that Ash would make a good comrade to the commander. Maybe even more. For such a small ship the Normandy sure provided for a lot of rumours…

"I'm sorry", Shepard said, left his desk and sat down on his bed. "There was no time. I couldn't save you both. And… I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't. You know that."

"I… did not. But I am grateful", Kaidan whispered. Not sure what to do next he simply stood there, looking anywhere but at the man in front of him.

"Is there anything else?", Shepard asked after a few moments.

"No, Commander. I should go."

"Kaidan."

"Shepard."

"Come on!" Shepard stood up again. "I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a friend."

Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah. I always leave a way out, you know that. I'm here for you. But we're in a rough spot. And the last thing I wanna do is muddy things. Like it's all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

"Can't just pull out a good old fashioned 'it'll be alright', can you?"

"It's that easy, huh? Okay then, everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out."

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"I could get used to it. And I honestly don't think anyone can stop you. I don't think I've ever met a man like you."

Shepard seemed a bit embarrassed, but he smiled nevertheless. "You haven't had the easiest life. But I like the man that's made you."

"Please, Commander. You'll make me blush."

"Unless your biotics turned red, it's already too late."

There was another moment of silence, in which Shepard seemed to be contemplating. But before Kaidan could find the courage to ask, the commander had already opened his mouth:

"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan."

"Is that an order, Commander?" His response was automatic and out of his mouth, before he had processed Shepard's words and their implications – and now, he was panicking.

"Sometimes I need a friend", Shepard repeated exasperatedly. "And sometimes I need a shoulder. This mission may be a one-way trip. I'd hate to think I'd spent my last moments alone. So… will you stay?"

"Y-Yes, Commander."

It was all he could say. His mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts and he found it hard to focus on one – just what was happening? And did he want this?

"My name is John."

As uncomfortable as the situation was for Kaidan, he was excited all the same. He had always admired the Commander, idolised him even. The way he had refused to kill anyone on Feros even when they were shooting him – his incredible charm and diplomatic abilities – mutinying to do the right thing – it was far more than simple respect he felt for this man. Did he want this? Yes, he did...

"Thank you, Kaidan. I think you know how inappropriate this is."

"Yeah, we could get drummed out of the service for fraternisation. Of course, we'll probably get the firing squad for mutiny anyway."

Kaidan did not know what to do next. He was in way over his head. Liara might have killed to be in his position, he thought. He was going to - spend the night with Shepard. Huh. "Spend the night". He had no idea what this would mean.

Shepard smiled and walked up to him, stopping only when they were only a few inches apart. He reached out – time stood still. Yes, the biotic thought, he knew exactly what he wanted to happen now.

Instead, everything went dark. "Light switch", Shepard whispered. Kaidan was probably standing in front of the little button right next to the door, but using an omni-tool to turn off the light would have done the trick, too... What was going to happen now? He was trembling with nervousness.

The only light left came from a haptic interface on Shepard's desk, but it was enough for the two of them to see each other. They were looking into each others' eyes and neither was moving. Kaidan felt the heat from the other man's body and realised his arm was still hanging next to him him from turning off the light; his mind was swept clean of all things bar leaning forward and…

"Kaidan", Shepard said softly and the room seemed to vibrate by the bass of his voice. "There's… I…"

Kaidan closed his eyes, now certain he wanted it, but too afraid to do it himself. He trusted Shepard to take care of the matter. To push forward. To be brave.

To kiss him.

He could already feel his breath on his lips. Or was he just imagining things? Damn, why could he courageously sacrifice his life for his friends, but not move half an inch forwards?

Moments passed. And the kiss never happened.

"I'm sorry. Good night." Shepard turned his back to Kaidan. Devastated, the biotic opened his eyes and looked away while the commander undressed and got ready for bed. "Do you… I… you can still stay here. My bed's more comfortable than yours. It might do you some good."

"Of course, Commander", Kaidan answered, although he would have preferred to leave – but that would convey a lot of wrong things. He did not want to mess things up any more than they were now all of a sudden.

He hardly slept at all that night and if he interpreted the sound of Shepard breathing correctly, neither did the commander. Joker woke them the next morning: "Bridge to Commander Shepard. We're twenty minutes from the Mu Relay."

Shepard jumped out of bed. "Get up, Kaidan. You and Liara are gonna come with me."

"Aye aye, Commander", Kaidan growled and crawled out of bed. And so they pretended that nothing had happened… he was almost able to convince himself that had they acted on the spur on the moment, it would have been a huge mistake.

It was not until much later that they finally talked about this uncomfortable night. A few days after Kaidan had actually dared to tell Shepard about his feelings, the commander had told him how much he regretted that he had not kissed Kaidan back then.

"We could've had ages", he had said.

"Water under the bridge, Shepard", Kaidan had replied. He did not believe in regretting things anymore. "You can't change what's in the past, but you can change the future. And we're doing good, aren't we?"

Present day.

Kaidan woke with a start when a wet, ice-cold hand started shaking him. It was Shepard, clearly drunk.

"What're you doing?", he asked.

"The barman put a lot of… stuff… into the… thing where stuff… goes in. Now I'm drunk."

"I can see that, but what do you want from me?"

"Tell you I love you, Kaidan, and tell you I don't like the idea that we're separating. I don't wanna lose you."

"Neither do I, but we're not separating."

"But this long-distance relationship… You have the Normandy and I'll get another ship. Once we can travel to Palaven, we'll go our own ways, won't we?"

"Yeah, we probably will."

"So I'm telling you we're not separating over the distance. I mean, if it doesn't work, we'll figure something out. I gave you up once before I nearly died. I won't do it again when there's no danger at all. You hear me? I'm not giving you up."

Kaidan smiled and hugged his husband. "I love you, too, John. We'll just be one of those spacer couples. And I want us to see my parents soon, alright?"

Shepard raised his eyebrows unhappily, but nodded eventually. Then he leaned forwards to kiss his husband, who pushed him back.

"Brush your teeth first", Kaidan said laughingly. No, separation was not an option even if they did not see each other for weeks. They had gone through too much to lose each other now. But still, Shepard stating the obvious like this – it made him happy.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: This was fun to write. Why? Because of the flashback dialogue. Most of it is actual in-game dialogue from the first game (as if you hadn't noticed) that I've torn out of context.<em>


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – Shepard**

"_I don't have what you do… that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."_

Present day.

The seasons had changed. Most experts agreed it had to do with the battle five years ago, although no one knew the exact reason. Scientists were still speculating whether the debris crashing into the planet or the Crucible firing had shifted the planet's axis.

By this time of the year it should have been much cooler in Vancouver, yet there he was, water around his ankles, taking a stroll on the beach with his husband. Shepard had been dying to get away from his parents-in-law for quite some time now… and the beach was actually nice.

Sure, Kaidan's mother was alright. Even though she asked about potential grandchildren much more often than he liked, she was nice to him in general. Kaidan's father, on the other hand… he disapproved of their relationship.

"He doesn't hate you. In fact, he thinks you're a great soldier and a great man. He just wished I'd go out with someone… less famous. He's afraid I'll go down in history as _the_ Shepard's boy toy. The way he sees it your actions will forever overshadow whatever I'm going to do", Kaidan had explained a few weeks after their engagement.

"Does it bother you, too?", Shepard had wondered.

"Of course not. I knew who you were before I could look you up in history books. And I knew what I was getting into."

The weather, however unnatural, was perfect today. It was a surprise to see so few people roam the beaches, but then again Vancouver was not really as densely populated as he remembered anymore.

Shepard and Kaidan had been walking for hours and miles by now, but neither was tired – they were soldiers after all. It was not until Kaidan's omni-tool began flashing that he demanded a break and stepped out of the water. Shepard sighed in frustration and praised his past self for disabling forwarding messages to his omni-tool years ago – it was simply too distracting.

His husband gave him an apologetic look as he sat down on the dry, sun-warmed sand and started typing on the haptic interface that came up.

"This is vacation", Shepard explained and lay down. "That's what they call it when you _don't_ work."

"I know, but just this one message", Kaidan said and knocked his fist onto the ground. A pale blue bubble appeared around them. "Better than sunscreen."

"And much less fun, too", Shepard added and closed his eyes His husband soon finished typing, gave him an "I'm sorry" kiss and lay down, as well. He was probably listening to some music.

Shepard himself preferred to listen to the sound of waves hitting the beach. There was something incomparably soothing about it and he could have lain here all day. He wished there was a way to calm Kaidan, too. The man had lost quite a bit of weight lately.

Of course, Shepard was worried, too, but he had recognised there was nothing more he could do except stand in the way. It was up to the people on Jump Zero to make it work and he had to put his trust in them.

In eight days the Council would announce the final time and date for the activation of the Pluto Relay. About two weeks later, they would then either have connection to the Trebia System or might as well abandon all hope. Unlike Kaidan, he refused to despair over any kind of worst-case scenarios before that happened.

Kaidan had organised first row seats for the activation; the Normandy would be one of two hundred ships in Eris' orbit. They would stay close for two or three days until the engineers had made sure the passage was safe – and then…

"I can show you Palaven", Garrus had suggested a few weeks ago. "It might not be back to its original glory, but I've seen your homeworld – you should see mine."

If the Relay blew up during activation, however, there would be no need for Shepard to worry ever again.

The sun was already setting when they returned to the Alenko house Kaidan's mother had tried to make the usual nutritional paste more enjoyable and although she failed to succed like the rest of humanity, it was a good dinner nevertheless. No uncomfortable silences for a change. Instead, Mr Alenko was telling the story of what he had done when he had been MIA five years ago. Everyone knew this story by heart by now, but they were a good audience: gasping at all the right places, laughing at the stupidest jokes and sighing in relief when he reached the happy ending.

The Normandy has a lot of room to spare, so I was thinking we could invite a few people", Kaidan began when his father returned from the kitchen with three bottles of beer. "For the activation, I mean. I did promise to show you space, didn't I?"

"It's been years since I last left Earth", Mr Alenko stated.

"It wouldn't be any trouble, would it?", Mrs Alenko wondered.

"Of course not."

Great, Shepard thought with a false smile. Not enough that he had to endure his parents-in-law every two months, now he could not even _avoid_ them for days. He was not a family man, quite the contrary, he found it hard to depend on "family" ever since he had become an orphan on Mindoir. It was much easier to trust people he had chosen to be his friends rather than people who were close to him by pure chance. Kaidan, who had a huge family, found this attitude ridiculous.

"Is there anyone else you invited?", Shepard asked hours later when he and his husband had gone to bed.

"Many people, yeah. I've tried to invite Jack, for example, but she wouldn't leave her students alone even for a few days. Jacob can't come because of his kids, but Ken and Gabby have found a babysitter. And Miranda'll be there."

"You invited my in-laws and my ex-girlfriend. There's definitely something evil in you, Major."

"You can always escape to the engine room", Kaidan laughed. "I'll come with you if you want."

"EDI's a blabbermouth, you know that. And I don't think your father needs to know about whatever might or might not have happened in the engine room."

Shepard kissed Kaidan goodnight, but he tried to put something else into this kiss, as well. The way his husband and Miranda seemed to get along was by no means natural – especially considering how he had gotten close to her in the first place.

Six years ago.

"I've had enough of this colony", Shepard spat out and sighed. Trying to save this colony – failing to save them all – seeing Kaidan with that look on his face – he had no desire to be on this planet's surface for a second too long. He kept silent on the Kodiak back to the Normandy, even though Garrus and Miranda were giving him troubled looks.

They knew what was bothering him. Garrus had been there on the original Normandy and had seen and heard it all. He knew Kaidan and he knew – or suspected enough – about his relationship to Shepard to understand. And Miranda… she had probably read a file or read his mind while they had been reconstructing him.

After the debriefing he had retreaded to his cabin to think about what had just happened. He had felt something for that man and the first thing out of his mouth were false accusations. The first time they met after two years and _accusations_…!

Cerberus had put various pictures of his old crew into his cabin to give it a personal touch. Shepard had never really looked at these pictures, they were a reminder of his death. But smashing Kaidan's picture from turning it upside down was satisfying enough.

Yes, Shepard wanted to be angry. It was a much easier sentiment than being upset. Hell, Kaidan had not even let him explain how he was not working for Cerberus, but merely had one common interest with them.

But then again, who was he kidding? The only ones he trusted on this new ship were Garrus, Joker and Dr Chakwas. Everyone else was either a new acquaintance or a member of Cerberus; he had put too much effort and time into destroying these terrorists… he had not forgotten Akuze, either. So he could tell others he was using Cerberus to stop the Collectors, but he could not fool himself – the Illusive Man was using him like a tool.

"Shepard, I need to talk to you", Miranda announced a few days later. They had just left the Citadel where Shepard had confronted Anderson about Kaidan's mission. "Come see me in my office."

"Tell me what's on your mind", Shepard asked. And then she had proceeded to tell him about her father and her sister. It was not what he had expected, far from it: This woman he trusted less than any non-biotic could throw her had something she cared about other than Cerberus and its goals.

So they travelled to Ilium in the company of Tali (someone else he could trust because he still waited for Miranda to stab him in the back) and she told him about her childhood friend Niket.

"How do we know we can trust Niket?", he asked in the shuttle.

"He's one of my oldest friends. I guess you could say he was my only real friend."

"Sometimes it's one of your closest friends who betray you." Both Miranda and Tali stared at him for these words, but Shepard continued: "Is there a chance your father could be using Niket to get to you?"

"I'm sure he's tried, but Niket's one of the few people who understands what my father's really like. I trusted him with my life when I ran from my father, Shepard, he won't betray me now."

"Don't count on it", Shepard said coolly.

And sure enough, when they worked their way to rescue Oriana there were more than just a few hints that Niket actually had betrayed Miranda. He almost felt sorry for her, but she insisted her friend was still on her side. Until they eventually met him and caught him in the act of betraying Miranda – she was heartbroken.

"You sold me out!", she said and drew her pistol.

"There's no one around. We can end this here and now", Shepard suggested and Tali gasped in shock.

Miranda shook her head. "I need some answers first." And then, Niket told them how and why he had betrayed her. Surprisingly enough, money had played only a small role – or so he said. She pointed the pistol straight to his heart, her hands shaking. But when she was about to pull the trigger, Tali intervened and grabbed her arm.

"You don't want to do this", she said fiercely.

"This has to end here. My father will keep trying to find Oriana", Miranda insisted, but lowered her hand.

"Maybe he can help. Tell your father you got here first", Shepard thought out aloud.

"I'll tell him you hid her. And I don't know where she is", Niket agreed in a panic

"I never want to see you again."

It was all Miranda could say before Niket was killed by the Eclipse mercenary he was with. A short fight followed in which Miranda pretty much single-handedly blew the Asari apart.

"I can't believe Niket sold me out", Miranda sighed afterwards. "I didn't even see it coming."

"Everyone makes mistakes."

"That I won't repeat. I let it get personal. I screwed up. I don't get attached to people, Shepard, and now you see why."

"So you toss aside everything you care about just to be safe?", he wondered.

"That's not healthy", Tali agreed. For some reason, she seemed extraordinarily annoyed.

"No, it's okay. My father hurt me, but he didn't break me. As much as he tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted – I'm my own person."

That evening, Tali visited Shepard in his cabin and gave him a hearty slap across his face.

"Who was that down on Ilium? That's not the man I remember. Since when do you let people kill their friends? Whatever Kaidan's done to you, get over it. You've never been a cruel man and you shouldn't become one now."

She left without another word and without waiting for a reply. He was pretty taken aback – but she was right. He had not been the same since Horizon and he knew why. Kaidan had truly moved past him and it hurt worse than he was willing to admit. But there were a few people on his ship who knew betrayal… and one in particularly whom he saw in a new light.

Miranda's smiles came easier now and she was positively beaming every time their eyes met. She was readily talking to him about all kinds of things – even admitting that some parts of Cerberus might have done something wrong. One evening, they shared dinner in her quarters and he asked her why she was with Cerberus.

"They give me resources. They never tell me something's impossible. They give me resources and say: 'Do it.' Look at the Lazarus Project. No one else could have done it. And they have given you even more. A ship, a crew, a new life…"

"And you."

She blushed. "You'd have done fine without me. I didn't really believe it before… but I don't have what you do… that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

A shiver went through Shepard's spine: No one had ever said something quite like this. Words she had said without thinking too much about them… unpractised words. It was that moment in which he fell in love. He kissed her that night; he had learned the hard way that waiting for the right moment could mean it might never come at all.

For a few weeks, it was perfection. The fact alone that she took him to the engine room – damn, that was a memory he would cherish forever. When they wiped out the Collectors, he had felt so good. He had actually thought for a moment that she – Miranda Lawson – was the so-called one. His soul mate. And then he had travelled to the Bahak system to do Hackett a favour and things had gone to hell.

He had to return to Earth for a hearing and there was a good chance he would have to stay for a while. The Batarians were openly discussing war.

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but I can't come with you. I was with Cerberus for too long. I can't risk it", she said before they parted. "It'll probably be impossible to keep in touch."

"I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to go."

"No, you're not. You think it's your responsibility what happened to the Alpha relay. But promise me you won't forget me."

"I won't, Miranda, how could I?"

The six months he spent on Earth were the dullest time of his life. Sure, James Vega was somewhat entertaining, he was not trying to make new friends, he wanted to warn people about the Reapers. As usual he was largely ignored until it was too late. And to make matters even worse that was when he met Kaidan again.

Damn those feelings that had never really gone away! Fighting alongside him on Mars was almost too good to be true (save for the horror of Cerberus's actions and the invasion of Earth), even after nearly three years apart they still complemented each other on the battlefield.

Liara, of course, was not stupid. She noticed the meaningful looks the men gave each other. "So, what about Miss Lawson?", she asked in low voice.

"What about her?", he brushed her off. Truth was he had no idea; his brain was not able to process his feelings, at least not in the middle of a fight. Maybe later, when he had convinced the Council to help and he had had time to have a private talk with Kaidan. To sort things out.

Nothing ever went as planned, however.

Months later, he would have no real explanations for a heart-broken Miranda. He would apologise and she would say it was okay. They would not meet each other again until that horror movie of a mission on Horizon. Of all places!

"I've had enough of this place", he would say while Kaidan and Garrus tended to her wounds.

After things had calmed down a little following the battle on Earth, he met her again and she said: "I'm not angry, John. We both knew it'd be hard to be separated and it didn't work out in the end. It obviously wasn't meant to be. But we had a good time, so we might keep some good memories."

They both grinned at that. At the same time, Shepard was conflicted. Every time he visited the engine room it reminded him of that night before they had travelled trough the Omega relay. Kaidan had no idea… and he was not sure he wanted to tell him.

He did not have to in the end. EDI mentioned it to him one morning and Shepard was surprised to see Kaidan laugh out loud. Did this story bother him? Not in the least, it seemed. It was not until one night when most of the crew was out on a trip that he wanted to talk about it.

And sure enough, he wanted to talk about it in the engine room.

"You know, I think you need some new memories for this place", he said, grinned and Shepard understood immediately.

"Yes", he agreed. "I definitely do. And might I add: Lots of them, too."

* * *

><p><em>This chapter has taken way too long. But university's kinda a big deal, too, so you know… especially when my lessons are interesting. That's somewhat unusual *g*<em>

_I didn't want to write much about Miranda. To me, she was the most interesting new character in ME2, so Shepard ended up romancing her. He couldn't resist going back to Kaidan in ME3, though. Anyways, not too much about her because this is a story about mShep and Kaidan._

_Next chapter will be the last and I hope it'll be finished faster :-(_


End file.
